I spoke with my dad a couple of weeks ago and when I got off the phone, I said how on earth did I grow up with that energy? So negative, so judgmental, so fucking toxic. What was it like? Well, it sucked. It felt like the house was on fire. Here I was this precious, wise, highly sensitive, intuitive child living in an environment full of rage, judgment and betrayal. It was overbearing to say the least. I remember waking up on Sunday mornings to the smell of pancakes and bacon and the sound of his booming voice downstairs. I was in no hurry to get down there. I’d rather hide out in my room with my books or head straight outside to play with the girls in the sunshine. I often did not want to be in the same room as him. I tried my best not to be caught in the crossfire but it was unavoidable. Sometimes (often) the rage was directed toward me. He yelled, red-faced, foaming at the mouth like an unruly pitbull. He smacked my innocent but with the belt. I recall a few times he used his hand. He spoke AT me, not with me. There was no conversation as it was always one-sided. I was a direct outlet for his anger. Much of the time he would feel guilty for his behavior but there were never any apologies nor attempts to change, same to this day. I lived in fear. I wasn’t appreciated or listened to or nurtured. I was abused. I was neglected. I was abandoned.
I’m writing this today to see the truth. We already know the story plays out. They eventually divorced, he left and I adopted his coping mechanism - booze. But what’s really being illuminated here is that I wasn’t actually left behind. Because he was never there in the first place. His body was present but his loving spirit was not. His spirit was masked and possessed by the Illusion. And bless his spirit because he was not conscious of his behavior. So here I am today seeing for the very first time that I never belonged to my father, yet I always belonged to Source. I have only ever belonged to Source. I have always been home with Source. And I am indeed always home.
So every single time I’m in fear – when I’m scared about the money running low, when I’m scared the one I love is gonna leave me, when I’m scared I’ll never grow beyond my mental limitations to truly manifest the life of my dreams – I‘m simply forgetting that I am already home. The fear that I won’t get what I want or receive what I need comes from the sheer brainwashing of unconsciousness (via my father). None of it was ever true because only love IS.
So now that I see this, the root of the Illusion, on this day at 41 years of age, how do I return to the love that was always meant for me in the beginning? It will take continued practice and effort and the constant reminder that I am in fact always home. I never need to seek beyond myself – through substances, through the one I love, through those enticing negative thoughts. This amazing girl is safe at home in this heart.